Drama, drama, drama
I was in Baltimore last weekend, attending a wedding with NQEx. I don't know if I'd mentioned it before, but we'd been invited as a couple because he'd failed to mention to quite a few of our friends that we'd broken up. In the days leading up to the weekend, he'd written me a series of sappy emails about how much he missed me, and how happy he was that I was coming to spend the weekend with him. What?! I'm coming to go to our friend's wedding, not to see you, you arrogant bastard. The whole situation stressed me out, and as my flight approached, I really didn't want to go. 2DD was trying so hard to pretend that he wasn't bothered by the fact that I was a) going to a wedding with my ex, and b) staying at his house, but we ended up having a really long conversation about it the night before I left. I think it was a good thing, though, because we hadn't, to that point, established what our relationship was/is, and we finally figured out that we didn't want to be with anyone else.Anyway, once I got to Baltimore, my stress levels were peaking. I didn't want to tell NQEx about 2DD. As far as I'm concerned, he broke up with me, and doesn't need to know about my dating life. I was able to keep myself busy with work during what little down-time I had. The wedding was fun, but Sunday, things got really awkward. 2DD and The Roommate were texting me throughout the weekend, keeping me in the loop with what was happening back here at the Halloween party. NQEx wanted to know why I suddenly had become such a huge texter. Again, none of your business, buddy. Right before his volleyball game, he asked me if we could get back together. And not in a direct way either. In a sneeky, talk around way. We were talking about Thanksgiving, and how he'll be in my hometown for the holiday, staying with his roommate's family. Last year, he spent the holidays there with my family, so he asked me if it would be ok if he came by and visited us while we were both in town. I said it would be kind of weird for my family, given that we weren't together. That's when he said, "well, what if we were together?" This is another thing that peeves me about him. He's never really direct about what he wants. I hate that. Hate, hate, hate that. It's so juvenile. Maybe a month ago, I would have considered it, or even said yes. But now, I know that I don't want to be with him. Not now, maybe not even when I get back from school. Try explaining that to someone you love, and don't really want to hurt.
I do love NQEx. He's been a huge part of my life for the last almost 4 years. I'm just not in love with him any more. And when he broke up with me, he didn't think he was in love with me anymore, either. But now that I've been away from him, and been around people who are more like me, and who understand why I want to travel the world as part of my job, I'm realizing that what he and I want are entirely different things. He is perfectly content to stay where he is for the rest of his life, surrounded by his friends, and the familiar. When we had initially talked about whether or not he'd want to come overseas with me, he'd always ask why I wanted to live and work abroad. The answer, "I just do" was never enough for him. At that point, I knew that I'd have to sacrifice what I wanted for him. The other day, he emailed me, and told me that he'd talked to some of our friends, and that he was now "prepared" to travel with me. "Prepared" to travel with me. What the fuck does that mean? It makes it sound like he's doing me a favor. And that just pisses me off.
posted by MelissaJ @ 2:30 AM
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