The Not-Quite-Ex-boyfriend
I said earlier that I'd talk about the end (or not-quite-end, as the case may be) of my relationship. I'll start at the beginning:The Not-Quite-Ex and I met way back in early 2001. We'd gone to the same college, had many of the same friends (he'd even dated a close friend of mine as well as one of my sorority sisters) and yet we hadn't met. We'd heard of each other, but we didn't know one another. I was probably 8 months out of college, and had just started dating one of my close friends. NQEx was hanging out in the bar where R worked at the time, and where my then boyfriend and I would meet up when I got out of work. But NQEx and I didn't really talk much back then, because he had just split up with my sorority sister, and I had a boyfriend. A year later, I'd moved down to DC, become single, and R started working a real job. We emailed throughout the day to keep ourselves occupied and sane, but one day, she was actually busy, so she gave me nexus email address, and said I should email him. She thought we had enough in common that we'd get along rather well. I don't think she realized just how well we would get on. Pretty much from that day on, NQEx and I haven't gone a day without talking to each other in some way, be it email, IM, phone, or in person. We very quickly became the best of friends.
I can't honestly say that our friendship was strictly platonic. It most definitely was not. There was an amazing amount of chemistry between us, and that, combined with a mutual attraction, led to us sleeping together fairly quickly. All the while though, we kept our friendship rather functional. There was no awkwardness, or sudden need to keep things hidden. I think we were really lucky. Instead of driving us apart, sleeping together actually brought us closer together. Within 6 months, we began spending as much time together as is possible when one person lives in Baltimore, and the other lives in DC We still dated other people, but we were also dating each other. No matter who we dated, we preferred each other's company to that of our significant others.
For a long time, my feelings for him were stronger than his for me. While this rarely caused tension, every now and then, something would upset me, and we'd end up having one of The Dreaded Talks. There came a point where neither of us was dating anyone else, nor did we want to date anyone else, yet we weren't exactly exclusive. That was a fun period of time, let me tell you. But it all changed when he moved to Connecticut. I met The Back Up about 3 months after NQEx moved. The Back Up had just moved up from Richmond, and was a friend of a high school friend of mine. He'd take me out every week to cheer me up, since he knew I was lonely without NQEx. The Back Up wanted to date me, but since I was already involved, and showed no inclination of wanting to date him, he settled for hanging out with me on a regular basis. At first, NQEx was happy that some one was keeping me company in his absence. But then he realized The Back Up's nefarious plan (actually, he's the one who pointed out to me that TBU wanted to date me), and actually started to get jealous. (Did I mention before that NQEx isn't the jealous type? Any attempts I made to use the jealousy card failed miserably.) Low and behold, suddenly he wanted to go from almost exclusive to definitely exclusive. And up until June, we were happily ensconced in couple-hood. (Oh, he did eventually move back to Baltimore) Everyone, including me, thought that that was it for us - in a few years, we'd get married.
So imagine my surprise, when a week after our anniversary (we made up an anniversary date, since we don't really know when we got together) he broke up with me. There were a number of reasons, not the least of which was my possible move across the country. I was heartbroken. We'd been together from 3 and a half years, but more importantly, he was my best friend. I didn't want to lose that, but it looked like I had. For the first time in years, we had no communication whatsoever. But a month later, after I'd gotten accepted to my first-choice business school, he took me out for dinner and drinks, and the Not-Quite was added to Ex-boyfriend. We've made the decision that for now, it makes the most sense for us to not be exclusive. He doesn't want me to not take risks, or turn down opportunities to travel all over the world because of him. That might sound egotistical, but the truth of the matter is, if we hadn't broken up, I may not have moved. And I definitely would have second thoughts about working overseas for a few years. Later on, I'd only grow to resent him, and what kind of relationship would that be?
NQEx and I have talked about the future of our relationship probably 4 times in the 6 weeks that I've been gone. He hopes that when I come home, we can get back together. He sees us possibly married (yes, to each other) in a few years. I'm not so sure. If, during this non-exclusive portion of our relationship, he ends up dating someone else, I doubt I'll be ok with that. I just don't know if I would be able to get that. We actually talked about it tonight, and he's afraid that I'll never forgive him for breaking up with me, and that we won't be able to be together anymore. I'll admit that our happily ever after is in jeopardy. A lot can happen in 2 years. If I take a job overseas, it could be much longer until I come home. Along the way, I could meet someone incredible. Am I looking? No. I love NQEx. He's the one person in this world who actually gets me. He's my best friend. We have similar philosophies on life. We like the same things. More importantly, we hate the same things. But I don't know what will happen to us.
posted by MelissaJ @ 12:15 PM
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